Jokes

Hall Of Famer

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Legend

occ: all jokes about sex tongue

Hall Of Famer

It was Critics’ Day in heaven, when all celebrated biblical figures reflected on their life experiences on earth, and decided what would have been the best approach to performing their respective feats.

On the floor today was Moses’ parting of the Red Sea in order to escape the pursuing Egyptians.

First up was Noah, who said he would have would have used divine foresight to construct an ark in advance, and conveyed the Israelites across.

Peter objected to this, claiming Noah’s method was too technical, stating that he would have simply helped the Israelites walk on the water across the sea.

Elijah objected, calling Peter’s method unreliable. He then proposed calling fire down from heaven to consume the Red Sea.

Solomon pointed out that this did not solve the problem of the Egyptians.

Elijah looked at them incredulously, before saying what appeared to him as obvious: he would call fire down on the Egyptians too.

Daniel remarked that Elijah’s method wasn’t cost-effective. He, and a now furious Elijah, then plunged into a heated argument.

Finally, Balaam stood up, and proposed placing his donkey in front of all the advancing Egyptians.

They all stared at him in awe.

Advanced Member

lollllzzzzzzzzz

Hall Of Famer

lolzzzzzzzz

Crusador

OOC: I have a joke, I dunno if this has been said before though. (Has been slightly altered to fit WWE.

[color:ab6e=redRandy Orton, The Miz and John Cena are told that a RAW will be held in a island in the middle of the ocean. Orton, Miz and Cena take a boat there, do the show, and come back on the same boat.]

A hole appears on the boat as it begins to sink. The Miz walks across the water and walks away safely. Randy Orton walks across the water and walks away safely also. John Cena imitates Miz and Orton and tries to walk across the water but drowns.

The Miz looks back sees John Cena in the water and says "Damn. Why didn't you take the bridge?"

Hall Of Famer

Member

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What -- and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a PlayStation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa

Titan

lmfao!

Hall Of Famer

lmao................santa....lol

Hall Of Famer

boy to santa:send me a brother

santa to boy:send me ur mother

Hall Of Famer

Q: How do you keep a person busy for hours?

A: Scroll Down. --->

<----- Scroll Up.

Hall Of Famer

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Titan

Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground

Titan

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

Hall Of Famer

lol..nyyc one hjj

Crusador

I'm going to make this WWE based.

John Cena and Randy Orton are out camping, it gets late, so Randy says ''Let's go to sleep now,'', John Cena agrees. They go into the tent, and lie down. Randy Orton says to John Cena ''What do you see in the sky?''

''I see millions and millions of stars, and the moon,'' says Cena. Randy Orton nods and says ''And what does that mean?'' John Cena wonders for a moment, then says. ''Well, since there are millions and millions of stars, that means there are millions and millions of planets,''

Randy Orton says ''You idiot, someone stole our tent!''

Hall Of Famer

lol.............

Crusador

A man gets a new computer, when he turns it on, he must enter a password. He entered the password 'mypenis'. The password was not long enough.

Hall Of Famer

lol....vv nice jokes here is mines

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

Hall Of Famer

Obama jokes

"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. ... Now, if you didn't see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, 'If you vote now, we'll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.'" ~Jay Leno

"But I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials. It had a wonderful ending. In the final scene Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina Jolie." ~Dave Letterman

"But all this doesn't matter because Obama keeps pulling away in the polls. Every week, he gets a little more ahead. And with almost all groups. Liberals, of course, always supported him. ... And conservatives like the idea of paying a black man to clean up their mess." ~Bill Maher

Titan

VV wrote:: A man gets a new computer, when he turns it on, he must enter a password. He entered the password 'mypenis'. The password was not long enough.

the man changes he's password too 'urpenis' the password was too long

Hall Of Famer

Crusador

This joke takes place while George Bush is still president.

George Bush and Hilary Clinton are on a plane, going for Washington D.C to New York. George Bush says, if I throw a million dollars out the window, I will make one person happy. Hilary Clinton says, if I drop 10 100,000 dollalrs out the window, I will make 10 people happy.

The pilot says, if I drop those two out of the window, I'll make 6 billion people happy.

Advanced Member

VV wrote:: This joke takes place while George Bush is still president.

George Bush and Hilary Clinton are on a plane, going for Washington D.C to New York. George Bush says, if I throw a million dollars out the window, I will make one person happy. Hilary Clinton says, if I drop 10 100,000 dollalrs out the window, I will make 10 people happy.

The pilot says, if I drop those two out of the window, I'll make 6 billion people happy.

LMAO!!! It's funny cuz it's true