Jokes

Admin

Post a joke and share it with us,I'll start:
A panda walks into a bar, goes right to the counter, grabs a sandwich and after having eaten it he takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots the bartender. Then, as though nothing had happened, he walks out. Everyone in the bar is sitting all speechless and petrified but suddenly someone breaks the silence:
-What a hell was that?!?
Comes a sorrowful voice:
-It was a panda.
-???
-Perhaps you don't know what a panda is... It's a mammal that eats, shoots, and leaves.

Advanced Member

Okay here goes.

Guy #1: Hey guy #2, wanna hear a joke?

Guy #2: Sure Guy #1.

Guy #1: How many babies does it take to paint a red wall?

Guy #2: I don't know. How many?

Guy #1: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Admin

That was cruel, but funny lol

Member

Here you go....

Girl: How many moons are their?
Boy: One right here, with me and one in the sky.

After marriage....

Girl: How many moons are their?
Boy: Hey you idiot, mental girl, are you blind?? Can't you see the moon in the sky!!!!

Admin

There was these 3 guys. They were named Shutup, Manners and Poop. Manners was picking up Poop from school. Shutup got pulled over by a cop. The cop says "Whats your name sir?" "Shutup." "Whats your name?" "Shutup." "Whats your name?" "Shutup." "Wheres your manners boy?" "Over there picking up poop."

Guest

Joke #1
How did Canada come up with its name?
C eh N eh D eh

Joke #2
You are in your room with your friend, your friend is laying in the floor. It is completly dark. You hear something drop. *BANG*
You: "What the hell was that?!"
Your friend: "Don't mind that, its just my balls dropping"

Legend

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
________________________________________________

lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Crusador

ONCE A MAN HAD RASHES ALL OVER HIS BODY!!..SO THE DOC ADVISED HIM TO SLEEP NAKE IN THE NIGHT!

now his small daughtr used to sleep wid him in the night she cudnt get any sleep without him!

AT NIGHT
girl:(lookin at his penis)..dad whts dat??
man:ehh..nothin its a..bird!!
girl:ohh!..den whats that hairy part surroundin it and the round shaped balls under dem!!!
man:..oh ..they are the bird's nest(HAIR) and its eggs(SCROTUM!)!!!!

while slleping some sperm oozes out of the man's penus..and falls on his daughter's face!!

NEXT MORNING:
ey
TH MAN is RUSHED TO A HOSPITAL!!..

DOC: (asks the girl) u were the closest to him last night right?...wht exactly happened? how did his pain start!!!!
GIRL:oh nothin doctor uncle!!..last night DAD'S BIRD SPAT ON MEE...SO I SMASHED ITS EGGS!!!!!!!!! THATS ALL cheers

Hall Of Famer

hahahhahahahah
lolz
nice 1

Titan

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Hall Of Famer

hahahhahhhhhahahahahah

Crusador

lolzz!

Legend

Lmao !!!! hahahaahhahah

Hall Of Famer

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Hall Of Famer

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Titan

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Hall Of Famer

lolz.....

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

Titan

hahahahahaha my turn

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Crusador

awsum!

once 2 guys livn in the same apartment..were seeing the common bathroom of the opp apartment!.through binoculars .to catch some hot girl naked!...as they waited...a person with long hair enterd!!..they thinking it was a girl GOT tempted..made a plan of F**ING her!!...so they go into the opp apartmnt..go in the common bathroom ,close the door and switch of the lights!
man 1:ill go frm frnt and u take push it in frm the back side!!!
man2:okay

now the thing was dat who they assumed as a girl was actually a boy with loong hair!!!

man 2 goes to the back of that girl and pushes it inside!!..girl(boy wid long hair screams but hs mouth is covered up by man 1!!

MAN 1 TO MAN 2: U IDIOT!! U R PUSHING TOO HARD!!!..YOUR PENUS IS COMIN UPTILL HERE!!!!!!!!IN THE FRONT!!!...LOLZZ

Hall Of Famer

lolz nicccc jkes

Legend

Try to make some jokes yourself Smile

My Justin Bieber jokes (Real jokes)..(no, really)

I called Justin Bieber gay, and he slapped me with his purse.

In next season of Disney’s Hannah Montana , Justin will be playing the role of Hannah Montana.

Police are now using Justin Bieber’s songs as torture devices.

Heres some EPIC momma disses!
________________________________________________
Your momma is so stupid that she think Justin Bieber is a Guy .

Your mother is so stupid that she think Justin Bieber can sing.
___________________________________________________

We can describe Justin with these photos! (The last photo isn't mine)
______________________________________

Hall Of Famer

hahhahahahahahhahahahahhaha

Advanced Member

lollllllllllllllllll

Hall Of Famer

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Hall Of Famer

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"